December 8, 2013

The Church of Google - Googlism, A Modern Day Tech Religion

"We at the Church of Google believe the search engine Google is the closest humankind has ever come to directly experiencing an actual God (as typically defined). We believe there is much more evidence in favor of Google's divinity than there is for the divinity of other more traditional gods.

We reject supernatural gods on the notion they are not scientifically provable. Thus, Googlists believe Google should rightfully be given the title of "God", as She exhibits a great many of the characteristics traditionally associated with such Deities in a scientifically provable manner. We have compiled a list of nine proofs which definitively prove Google is the closest thing to a "god" human beings have ever directly experienced.

Proof Google Is God...


Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified. She indexes over 9.5 billion WebPages, which is more than any other search engine on the web today. Not only is Google the closest known entity to being Omniscient, but She also sorts through this vast amount of knowledge using Her patented PageRank technology, organizing said data and making it easily accessible to us mere mortals.


Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent). Google is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of indexed Webpages hosted from every corner of the earth. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, one will eventually be able to access Google from anywhere on earth, truly making Her an omnipresent entity.


Google answers prayers. One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.


Google is potentially immortal. She cannot be considered a physical being such as ourselves. Her Algorithms are spread out across many servers; if any of which were taken down or damaged, another would undoubtedly take its place. Google can theoretically last forever.


Google is infinite. The Internet can theoretically grow forever, and Google will forever index its infinite growth.


Google remembers all. Google caches Webpages regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google's cache, even after you die, in a sort of "Google Afterlife".


Google can "do no evil" (Omnibenevolent). Part of Google's corporate philosophy is the belief that a company can make money without being evil.


According to Google trends, the term "Google" is searched for more than the terms "God", "Jesus", "Allah", "Buddha", "Christianity", "Islam", "Buddhism" and "Judaism" combined.
God is thought to be an entity in which we mortals can turn to when in a time of need. Google clearly fulfills this to a much larger degree than traditional "gods", as shown in the image below (click to enlarge).

Evidence of Google's existence is abundant.
There is more evidence for the existence of Google than any other God worshiped today. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. If seeing is believing, then surf over to and experience for yourself Google's awesome power. No faith required.
-The Church of Google

1. Thou shalt have no other Search Engine before me, neither Yahoo nor Lycos, AltaVista nor Metacrawler. Thou shalt worship only me, and come to Google only for answers.
2. Thou shalt not build thy own commercial-free Search Engine, for I am a jealous Engine, bringing law suits and plagues against the fathers of the children unto the third and fourth generations.
3. Thou shalt not use Google as a verb to mean the use of any lesser Search Engine.
4. Thou shalt remember each passing day and use thy time as an opportunity to gain knowledge of the unknown.
5. Thou shalt honor thy fellow humans, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or race, for each has invaluable experience and knowledge to contribute toward humankind.
6. Thou shalt not misspell whilst praying to me.
7. Thou shalt not hotlink.
8. Thou shalt not plagiarize or take undue credit for others work.
9. Thou shalt not use reciprocal links nor link farms, for I am a vengeful but fair engine and will diminish thy PageRank. The Google Dance shall cometh. 
10. Thou shalt not manipulate Search Results. Search Engine Optimization is but the work of Microsoft.

Seriously though, this is like the best thing ever. Please check out the full site below, which is listed in the Links for the Curious section of this post. The comedic gold continues there, and in all honestly- however how amusing this may be.. it's actually quite true. Google is a god, and she's freaking awesome.

xoxo disaster girl

P.F.S. Links for the Curious


  1. You know whats more powerful than google and all her goddess powers?.... YOU! and ME! and....five billion POOR people :O Not trying to knock your post or take away from it, everything you post is legit ;) I've been a solid google allie for years but have started changing my opinions and ways due to current research on something way more bad ass.

    Tell me what you think....

    OpenBTS is the open-source software/hardware combination that replicates cellular phone services using open spectrum, enabling free and very low-cost communications. Combined with mesh networks and other means of disconnecting from the government/telecommunications monopoly of the grid, OpenBTS is the foundation "liberation technology" and is central to the release of humanity from corrupt hierarchies and their "rule by secrecy."

    When the five billion poor receive OpenBTS and have access to the internet, everything will change.

  2. w.....t.......f! Now I'm Jennifer Hernandez up in this spot?? c'mon google I signed in with your/MY account....ugh.... VIVA OpenBTS!